(SNIFFLES)
("THE TYPEWRITER" BY LEROY ANDERSON PLAYING)
♪
(TYPEWRITERS CLACKING)
JERRY LEWIS: Oh.
Oh.
(PAPER RUFFLES)
(CLICKING)
(KEYS CLACKING)
♪
(RAPID TYPING)
(TYPEWRITER DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
♪
- (DINGS, CLICKS) - (RAPID TYPING)
♪
(DINGING REPEATEDLY)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
♪
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
♪
- (DINGS, CLICKS) - (TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
♪
(DINGS TWICE)
(TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
♪
(DINGS, CLICKS)
♪
(DINGS TWICE)
(TYPING RHYTHMICALLY)
♪
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGS, CLICKS)
♪
(DINGS, CLICKS)
(RAPID TYPING)
(DINGING REPEATEDLY)
♪
(PANTING)
- (BELL RINGS) - (APPLAUSE)
MAN: (SHORT CHUCKLE) Jerry Lewis.
SCOT: That was great, Frankie.
- (LAUGHS SOFTLY) - That was great.
Thank you.
- (EXHALES) - Wow.
AUNT BINI: Turns out, her little brother
and my ex-boyfriend Yanni Nakamora
used to run together before Yanni got done by Winter Hill
for ripping off a truck of ladies dresses.
Anyways, I tracked her down.
She was in town doing some kind of big TV hoop-de-doo
for some kind of flavored schnapps...
DUKE: Uncle Eddy, do you want me
- to help you move the furniture? - EDDY: Aww.
Thanks, Beanstalk. Bit shattered.
But I'll manage.
Too much of the black stuff last night.
Oh, no.
My fags are soggy.
Could do with a dry cigarette for once, I think.
Well, there is the toaster oven.
Oh, it's come to that, has it?
SAM: Harold, I'll make you fresh food.
You don't have to eat the leftovers.
Don't give him any more. He already ate!
It's for later. You never know with these things.
- Hi. Hi. - Hey!
- Hi. Hi, hi. - Hi. When does everyone else come over?
I have no idea. Bini?
Is there another place you can get ready, honey?
I didn't know what bathroom to choose.
What can I do? How can I help?
Uh, please get out the food processor.
- Hi. - For me.
DUKE: Oh, Mom. Who's Madeline Kahn?
- Queen. - What? Who is Madeline Kahn?
- Oh, my God. - AUNT BINI: I was just saying
how Harold used to drive Madeline Kahn around.
- What? - HAROLD: Yeah, it was before
all the Mel Brooks mishigas.
She asked me to call her "Mads."
- Oh, my God. - Mom, can I wear the special one?
Uh, yes, you can.
- DUKE: Thank you. - So, what's gonna be
the seating situation?
Oh, there's no seating situation.
It's just, like... You'll see.
It's, like, a free-flowing kind of... (STAMMERS)
There's no seating situation.
I like to know for sure the seating situation.
I got the spinal stenosis in my back.
AUNT BINI: We used to take her for chinks, out in Saugus.
Samanther, Samanther. Remember when we used to go
to Dragon Island for chinks?
Jesus, with that. Bini!
HAROLD: The vertebrates are all farkakt.
I got to know where I'm sitting.
AUNT BINI: Madeline said she didn't remember him.
But she was very nice about it
and thanked him for all his hard work.
Come on, Harold. You shtupped Madeline Kahn, didn't you?
- (CHUCKLES) - Young man, nice uniform,
driving around all night in a Lincoln?
- Chicken tenders on this one, huh? - (LAUGHTER)
- Eh, it was a Grand Marquis. - Oh, okay.
- SAM: Frankie! - AUNT BINI: Oh, vey iz mir!
It was strictly a professional relationship.
But I will say, the biggest bazungas I ever saw.
- (LAUGHTER) - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she just left them hanging out there.
She knew what she was doing. Huh?
- God rest her soul. - Sure.
- MAX: Mom? - SAM: Yeah?
Paisley wants to know if her date can bring a friend
- to Frankie's Batceañera. - What? No.
- Paisley's not... no. - EDDY: All right!
Which one of you's has laid a top-ten hit in that bog?
Confess or burn.
Does anyone smell smoke?
Oh, yeah.
Sorr... that's me, that's me.
(GRUNTS)
(EXHALES)
I'm serious about that shit, though.
Think it's grown a twin.
(BELCHES, GROANS) Bugger me.
Oh, fuck, my lips.
- (LAUGHS): Eddy. - I'm eating here.
Okay. You need any help?
- SAM: Hi! - Buenas tardes, Sam.
Buenas tardes.
Hi, Rosita.
- Welcome. - Hi! How are you?
Looks so beautiful, Sam.
I want a food truck! Knishes and carnitas.
Don't start nothing, I'm sneaking out for a crafty fag.
CECILIA: Reinita.
- (GASPS) Que bonita... - I don't like it. (LAUGHS)
- You look incredibly... - Don't talk to me.
I'm memorizing a speech.
- Don't interrupt and be annoying. - Right.
- My garters are slipping! - Not ready yet, either.
- SAM: Eddy. - EDDY: What?
- You got an extra fag? - No.
- Look who's here. - Bro.
- Back to party. Better. Hello. - Always.
- Wow. You look so... - Wow you.
- SAM: My gorgeous. - Is she really wearing a men's suit?
Yes. From the '40s.
It's a replica of one worn by Frida Kahlo.
That's really frickin' cool. I love my cousins.
Phil. (MOUTHS)
I've said hello.
- I mean, there's nothing... - Let's get a drink.
- All right. - I-I did say hello.
What a beautiful simcha, Sam.
Thank you so much for coming, Esperanza.
You know you taught me how to be a Jewish mother.
(BOTH LAUGH)
- Where's my Duke? - Oh, she's, um,
she's actually out there with her friends, with the kids.
- Ay. Okay. - You see?
- Smoke show. - Hey. Hey.
- Isn't this cool? - It's fantastic.
- Hi. - Hey, Jaia.
I've never been to a bat mitzvah like this before.
Oh, you're in for a treat, Caroline.
We're having a proper blowout.
We have marichos, carnitas and knishes.
A lot more than cheese. Right, darling?
Well, I guess I won't have to leave early, then, will I?
- (CHUCKLES SOFTLY) - It's, uh, "mariachi."
- It's mariachi. - Okay.
SAM: So... Yeah, so we thought we'd throw them all,
- everybody, into... - In the... Sure, in-into one pot.
XANDER: Hello.
Hello, everyone.
Oh, hi.
(SPANISH SONG PLAYING)
(MARIACHI MUSIC PLAYING)
I'm so proud of you. I love you.
- (CHEERING, APPLAUSE) - (GRITO)
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
(LAUGHTER)
SAM: Congratulations.
This is my childhood.
All mothers are slightly insane.
Ka nui nga mihi.
I'm proud of you.
(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)
MARION: Frankie. Beautiful.
- I love you. - MAX: I love you.
That's beautiful.
- Did you get that out of my room? - No, I didn't.
I can't believe you did that.
- Didn't you give me that? - I did, yeah.
(PLAYING "DE COLORES")
♪ De Colores ♪
♪ De Colores se visten los campos ♪
♪ En la primavera ♪
♪ De Colores ♪
♪ De Colores son los pajarillos ♪
♪ Que vienen de afuera ♪
♪ De Colores ♪
♪ De Colores es el arco iris ♪
♪ Que vemos lucir ♪
♪ Y por eso los grandes amores ♪
♪ De muchos colores ♪
♪ Me gustan a mi ♪
♪ Y por eso los grandes amores ♪
♪ De muchos colores ♪
♪ Me gustan a mi... ♪
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
♪ Canta el gallo ♪
♪ Canta el gallo con el quiri quiri ♪
♪ Quiri quiri quiri ♪
♪ La gallina ♪
♪ La gallina con el cara cara ♪
♪ Cara cara cara ♪
♪ Los polluelos ♪
♪ Los polluelos con el pio pio ♪
♪ Pio pio pi... ♪
(SAM GROANS)
You okay?
Babe, what are you doing?
- Huh? Hi. - Hi.
Oh, nothing. Go back to the party.
I'm looking for a little... (INHALES LOUDLY)
(SNIFFS) Did you see him out there?
I did.
Playing "dad" for the crowd.
And we all just smile and nod.
Ooh, my goodness. It's amazing you came.
What do you expect, Sam?
You want him to give you a public apology?
(EXHALES SHARPLY) Uh, yeah.
That'd be great. A little public humility.
That would... I would really like that.
Frankie wanted him here, and you fulfilled that request.
Yeah, what choice did I have, though, really?
Is Frankie having a great time?
'Cause that's all that really matters.
Honestly, I'm more concerned about you.
What is that supposed to mean?
You know what, never mind.
- Forget it. - No, no, no, no.
I really... I would like to know.
I would like to know. Let's talk.
Uh, you're so concerned about me.
I love when people are concerned about me.
Fine. This death grip you have on your anger.
What happened to you, what he did.
We all know. We were there.
We don't need to rehash it every day.
It's incessant with you.
The folded arms and the eye rolls;
it is not flattering.
And your friends don't want to tell you 'cause we love you.
But...
you gotta move on.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. Wow.
(GROANS)
That...
(GROANS)
So, you've been separated from Jeff for what,
about 15 minutes now?
And you're gonna tell me that I need to move on?
Yeah, I am.
That's really great.
Ow.
(SIGHS)
I really need to find weed.
(SAM GRUNTS)
(SIGHS)
(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING)
♪
Can you feel something on my back?
Yes. It-it is lumpy. Uh... what is that?
It's my corset of torment.
You see, I have an arrhythmia.
My heart flutters from time to time.
Uh, a-are you okay to dance right now?
Oh, yes.
Frankly, I think my cardiologist is an idiot.
I only listen to him because my daughter forces me to.
(CHUCKLES) My son only let me have two glasses of wine a night.
- (LAUGHS) - Oh...
So I sneak tequila.
I steal swims.
Desnuda.
- Oh, my God. - (LAUGHS)
Very interesting.
(STRAINING)
I-I... you want to sit down?
No, I don't want to sit down.
- Okay, all right. - We've only just started.
Okay, baby, let's go again.
- Let's. - Oh, wow.
(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
- SAM: Hi. - Hi.
Nothing.
(LAUGHS): Nothing?
Oh, and I hadn't even asked.
What are you doing?
- Nothing. - We're hiding.
- What do you think? - I see.
Well, I'm hiding, so...
(SAM CHUCKLES)
- Hi. - Hi, Mark.
- SUNNY: Hey. - Hey.
What a shock, bumping into you
at the party you brought me to.
- Of course. - Sorry.
- I stole her for, like... - Let's, uh, grab a drink.
If you had a minute, yeah.
- Excuse me. - Yeah, sure.
Oh.
Oh, hello.
- Hey. - Hi. Hi.
Do you... Having...
Did you... did you try, um, the horchata?
Uh, not yet. Is that pork?
Huh? No. It's a drink.
- Never mind. - Oh, sorry.
- Yeah. - I-I'll check it out.
Hmm?
- Do you, uh... - Believe in magic? What?
Do you want him to leave?
Yeah. What do you think?
But he's in his element. He's not gonna leave.
No, I mean, do you want me to go talk to him?
- You know, scare him a little. - (SIGHS)
Yes.
Wait. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Stop. - What?
What were you gonna...?
What are you gonna say to him?
What would you do?
What would I do to him right now?
Yeah, wh-what-what would you say to him to make him leave?
I would get right up in his face,
- like this. - Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I would say,
"Why are making your daughter's night
"about you?
It's time for you to leave, asshole."
(CHUCKLES) And what if he didn't?
It wouldn't get that far.
But if it did?
(SIGHS)
Well, then I would give him what we call
a Chicago beatdown.
Do you know what a Chicago beatdown is?
Nope. No, I don't, but please tell me.
A Chicago beatdown is the type of beatdown that,
after you've gotten one...
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
... you don't go out in public for over a month.
No. No. Mm.
You'd do that? You'd do that for me?
Boop.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait, wait, wait, wait. Stop.
Stop, stop. Come back, come back.
Come back.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
Ooh. Very...
- satisfying exercise, buddy. - Yeah? Yeah?
- I got you, buddy. - I like that.
- My God, feel my heart. - Oh.
My heart is, like, racing.
Get your hand off my heart.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
FRANKIE: Hi.
Ooh. Hi.
- (OOHS AND AHS) - (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Yes!
Um, so I want to give a toast...
- Thank you. - Mm-hmm.
I want to give a toast, but before I do that,
I want to ask the room a question.
Who here was raised by a single mom?
(INDISTINCT MURMURS)
Same.
And I can say, from watching it all go down,
that it's a thankless job.
But now I get to thank my mom...
Sam "Old Iron Pants" Fox.
(LAUGHTER)
- Thank you. - PHYLLIS: Louder!
I'm gonna murder you.
- What? I can't hear her. - Shh!
So, I-I just want to add that I've come to realize
that life is about choices.
Rabbi Hilary told me that when she looked at a graveyard,
what she didn't see was
the rows of headstones with a bunch of faded names and dates.
What she saw was the choices
that went into all of these lives.
So I think life is about the choices that we make.
Anyway, Dad, thank you for coming
and for being here now.
That was a good choice.
And thank you, everybody else, for coming.
I love you all so much.
Good night, Detroit!
- (APPLAUSE) - WOMAN: We love you!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE) - Mazel tov!
Mazel tov! (WHISTLES)
Mazel tov, siman tov!
Siman tov, mazel tov! Mazel tov, siman tov!
Siman tov, mazel tov!
♪
PHYLLIS: Frankie.
Baby. Thank you.
I love you.
(CLINKING GLASS)
Uh...
Hi. Uh, Frankie,
I just wanted to say a few words.
Um...
I am so proud of you.
You've grown into a very impressive young woman.
Uh, your future is bright.
Uh, every time I see you,
uh, which I know isn't often enough...
you always impress me.
And, uh, you've impressed all of us here today.
(CHUCKLES)
So, congratulations.
Happy sweet 16.
She's 15, you moron!
Quinceañera. Quinceañera.
(WOMAN BLOWS RASPBERRY)
Really.
("HAVA NAGILA" PLAYING)
♪
(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)
Hey. Uh, Rob?
- (SCOFFS) - Ralph?
Ray? Rich. Good to see you.
You know...
since the girls aren't around,
I'm gonna let you in on a little something.
I have been your daughters' emergency contact
on all their school forms.
I've driven them to soccer tournaments in Temecula.
Chaperoned field trips to the missions.
And you know what so many strangers say to me?
"Your daughters are fantastic."
"Oh," I say, "they're not my daughters.
"But I wish they were my daughters.
Because they are fantastic."
And you know what else?
It has been my pure pleasure watching them grow up.
And being there for them. And I can't imagine my life
without them. Excuse me.
♪ What does a girl do? ♪
♪ What should she do? ♪
- ♪ What does a girl do? ♪ - (LAUGHING)
♪ What should she do? ♪
♪ I've only known him a short time, it's true ♪
♪ I should be careful and watch what I do ♪
Hey, princess, what's up?
I'm gonna whisper in your ear
because I don't want to embarrass you.
- ♪ Oh ♪ - ♪ What does a girl do? ♪
♪ What should I do? ♪
♪ How do I know he's not ♪
♪ Playing a game? ♪
♪ And if he is ♪
♪ Will he put me to shame? ♪
♪ Now he's getting near ♪
♪ Oh, my, oh, my dear, oh ♪
Hmm.
Oh. I know exactly what you're going through, bro.
Persona non fucking grata. (SCOFFS)
And here, with your family, it sucks.
I used to be you.
Oh, everybody hated me after Sunny and I split.
They don't anymore?
(CHUCKLING): No. They still do.
- Just not like before. - Why not?
I went on, like, an amends tour.
It was a whole AA thing.
Basically, I apologized.
But I don't have anything to apologize for.
I haven't done anything wrong.
Totally.
Hey. Nice speech, man.
JEFF: It was a great speech.
Parts... that one part... you know.
Shit.
Are my teeth blue?
Goddamn it.
♪ I've only known him a short time, it's true ♪
- (CHUCKLES) - ♪ I should be careful ♪
♪ And watch what I do ♪
♪ But now he wants to park ♪
♪ Where it's awfully dark, oh ♪
- Oh. - Hey. Hey.
- Hi. - Hi.
- (CLEARS THROAT) - Can we talk?
Um... (CLEARS THROAT) this is not really the right time
for a money conversation, Xander.
We do that through lawyers.
Yeah, not money. No.
Um, just hear me out.
Uh, this whole... you know...
today, this...
I don't really know how to put it.
Um... I guess I feel...
Yeah, I mean, Frankie and you
and the girls and...
this mix of cultures and, uh...
all the love in the room...
I'm moved.
O... kay.
Great. You're moved.
And also I just want... I just wanted to say that,
um, I wish I had been at more of these.
Well, you could have, Xander. You were invited.
If the girls wanted you there, I made sure you knew about it.
I know. I know. That's not what I meant.
Um... I just wanted to say that I...
I should have done better.
I had no excuse.
How long are you in town for?
Um...
Do you want to come for dinner Friday?
Me and the girls?
Yes.
Yeah, that would be...
Yeah, I would like that.
- Okay. - Yeah. What time?
Um... what time...?
- You know what... - I'll see you Friday.
- Okay. - Okay.
(GROANS)
Shit.
All of a sudden there's, like...
- this, like, tiny little hedgehog... - Dormin?
Present.
(COUGHS, CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.
Gimme.
Your son.
- CAROLINE: Oh, my God. - DORMIN: Oh, come...
- (CHUCKLES) - I love you, sweetie.
(CHUCKLING): I love you.
- Be good, take care. - You, too.
(CHUCKLES)
I wish that, that you would cut loose some more.
- All right. - I'm serious.
- Do you feel better? - Mom.
- Marion. - CAROLINE: Good night, Phyllis.
DORMIN: See you, Gran.
How you doing, lumpy, hmm?
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
(MUTTERS)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Everybody's leaving.
Come on, let's go say goodbye.
I already did.
Well, let's go say goodbye again.
You're not gonna see 'em for a while.
- So? They don't care. - Huh?
We never see them.
We never see anyone in our family,
because that's the way you want it,
and that's the way they want it.
(SIGHS)
Just go say goodbye. What's the big deal?
(SCOFFS) They didn't come here to see me, Mom.
They came here to see Frankie. And now they're leaving again.
Duke.
Okay, Mom. Jesus Christ!
You were my last fun child.
(SIGHS)
Did you see that shit?
(JAZZ PLAYING QUIETLY)
(QUIET CHATTER)
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes.
- What are you doing? - Hello, I have a reservation.
Get out of here.
I believe it's under Bob Dobalina.
You need a mint, Mom.
(EXHALES) Excuse me.
Is the bar open seating?
- Right this way. - Thank you.
- Just sit right here. - Thank you very much, Miss.
- Good evening. - Hi!
- How you doing? - Good. How are you?
- I'm doing well. - Uh, I would like a bottle
of your least expensive wine.
I think I can do better than that.
Thank you.
(GRUNTS)
Okay. I have two seats for you right here. Excuse me.
SAM: Let me get a little video.
MAX: Okay, here are your menus,
and I'll be right back with some bread.
Okay...
- Yes. - Mom.
Very, very professional.
(CHUCKLES) That's my kid.
My daughter. It's her first job.
I'm kvelling a little bit.
- Spying on her. - (CHUCKLES)
MARGO (ON TV): So you've pointed out, so often.
So many qualities, so often. Her loyalty, efficiency,
devotion, warmth and affection.
And so young. So young and so fair.
BILL (ON TV): I can't believe you're making this up.
It sounds like something out of an old Clyde Fitch play!
Hi, baby. All About Eve.
Yeah, I put it on.
I'm so proud of you.
Good, hard, honest work.
- Fuck yeah. - Thanks.
- Are you the mother? - Oh. Yes, I am.
I'm Cesario. Thank you for coming to my restaurant.
Your daughter is very beautiful and kind.
- Oh... - Nice to meet you, Chef.
Nice to meet you.
She comes in early to help my babbo with his English.
You do? You help his babbo?
- I love Babbo. - Oh, thank you.
(MAX AND SAM CHUCKLE)
- Oh. Can I sit here? - Uh, sure.
Thanks.
(CLEARS THROAT)
- Oh. This for you. - Oh. Thank you very much.
Uh, I understand you're an actress.
Yeah.
I have so many stories,
but I don't know what to do with them.
- I'm not a writer. (CHUCKLES) - (GRUNTS)
When I was a boy,
- my mother worked long hours... - ♪ When I was just a little girl ♪
♪ I asked my mother, "What will I be? ♪
♪ Will I be pretty, will I be rich?" ♪
♪ Here's what she said to me ♪
Synced & corrected by QueenMaddie www.addic7ed.com